I was in 3rd grade I think. I was on the bus to school. All of the seats next to my friends were taken so I sat next to an older girl. She asked if I was cold and I said no. She kept on asking and I kept on saying no. She put a blanket over me and her even though I said no. She slowly started to touch me and I asked her to stop. I asked her why she was doing this to me. She said that I was going to need practice for when I was older. She made me touch her. Made me act like a baby and "drink milk" from her. I jumped up and tried to move seats bey the graded my arm and took my glasses. She threatened to break my glasses and my arm. It really hurt and I was a thin fragile girl so did what she said. The really sad thing is that I was on a crowded bus and I never screamed or yelled for help. I was so scared to move that no one noticed. On top of this she would come by after school and rape me again. It was like this for about 1 month before she moved away. I did not even know that this was a big deal. I thought that she was just mean. I am 13 now and I am scared of meeting teen girls. I avoid them and don't look at them. It takes a while for me to make friends because I remember what has happened. I feel so guilty because I could have stopped it if I had just screamed. If I had just made noise. Taylor Swift has helped me share my story by sharing hers. It was her story that made me realize I should not keep quite because every second I wait another child is looking for support. My story could be the one that helps them share theres.

Sexual abuse can come from loved ones too.
He was 16, I was 15, we had been in an on and off relationship for a while and I was not ready physically or mentally to have sexual intercourse. He would tell me things like "no boys would ever wait this long for you" or things like " idk if I can stay much longer with you if we don't have sex" or also "if you don't have sex with me you dont really love me or trust me". As a 15 year old girl who was truly in love, hearing those words come out of your first love's mouth it gets in your head and plays with your mind. That same boy even went through my best friends iPad to see all of our texts about me opening up and telling my best friend how much I didn't want to have sex because i wasn't ready. Instead of coming to me telling me he was sorry for pushing me, that same "boyfriend" came to me mad and angry about me opening up to someone who actually listened to what I had to say. One afternoon while I was at my "boyfriends" house we were kissing and he started telling me all those toxic things i mentioned above & much more, he then started manipulating me into having sex. I wasn't strong enough and just said "sure do whatever". And so he did. He took my clothes off and took my virginity. I was in pain. I felt broken. I went home that day and cried silently in my bed all night long. Still to this day I remember and cry. He took something from me that is irreversible. I kept my toxic relationship with him for way longer than i should have because I did actually love him. To this day I feel like I'm the one to blame. Till to this day I can feel his strong arms around me and the pain that he caused me the day he took my virginity. Sexual abuse/rape can come from loved ones. I have forgiven him, I'm still not over what happened and I don't think I'll ever forget the feeling of loneliness, of vulnerability, of pain and how helpless I was because I thought that that was his way of loving me. But it wasn't. This happened almost a year ago. 
I was sexually abused by my boyfriend.
Rapists can be loved ones.
- A survivor of rape

 I was in an abusive relationship for 10 months starting at the end of my junior year stretching into the second half of my senior year. Watching from the outside you always think that you could never be a victim of a situation like that until you’re actually caught in the middle of it.

The abuse is never upfront, they wait until you trust them and slowly they change their behavior. First it’ll be a small thing you did to annoy them, and then every word you speak will be turned and misconstrued against you. Classic frog in hot water situation, they make you feel like you deserve it or maybe they’re just in a bad mood. If you confront them they get defense and tell you that’s not how it happened and lash out or give a half ass apology. You quickly learn to stop asking because it’s easier and safer to just take it. They will put their insecurities onto you, cheating or lying partners is the excuse for them to snap at you, go through your phone and accounts, or accuse you of cheating. They will feel entitled to your space and privacy and excuse their possessiveness as “love”. 

I barely remember that night because I was so terrified that I forced myself to forget. The day before she had told me that she didn’t want to break up with me but said I “needed the choice”, so basically she told me to break up with her. I think she held this over me so that I’d cling to her as long as I could, and I fell for it. That night she suggested I sneak out to see her. I left early in the morning and she took me up to her room. The only thing I remember after that was pain, it was the first time for me and I got scared so I asked her to stop. All I could say for the next 2 minutes was “no, stop your hurting me”. She just told me to be quiet. That only encouraged her to be more aggressive and the only thing I could do was close my eyes and imagine being anywhere but there. I couldn’t push her off because she tied me so I couldn’t move or resist and I couldn’t scream because I was paralyzed and in her house. After the only thing she said was “your lucky that I controlled myself because I could’ve done much worse and I wanted to.” 

I was confused and didn’t know what to think. I didn’t go through the same emotional process as what’s typically portrayed. I didn’t feel like a needed a shower and I didn’t experience nightmares or flashbacks. Honestly i can’t even remember what day it happened and I’m very glad for that. I felt very disconnected with what happened, like it was just a fever dream. I tried to confront the situation but she denied I ever said no and that it never happened. She got so angry that I never brought it up again. I never thought she could do something like that to me because she herself was a survivor of sexual assault. 

It has been over 9 months since the assault and 4 months since I finally pulled myself out of that relationship. It is only now that I have come to terms with it and today was the first time I cried thinking about it which lead me to search for a place to share my story. Luckily this quarantine has prevented me from seeing my assaulter and I will be moving on to my next chapter in life. This has not and will never define me, and for all of the survivors out there; for everyone despite clothing, gender/sex, age, relationship status. You all are brave, sting and beautiful. Like the lotus we’ve grown despite our murky environment and will continue to bloom.

It was maybe two months ago. We were dating for a year and a half and we were going through relationship troubles, and on top of that he was very mentally abusive. We fought a lot. We came back to my house after church and I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt. He invited himself into my room. He kissed me, which I had no problem with. But then he started trying to strip me down. I told him no repeatedly. He kept begging me. I kept saying no. Before I knew it, I was laying on my back in my bed, naked as the day I was born, his pants were gone. I tried to push him off of me and kept telling him no. My 5'0 140lb self couldn't get someone 6' something who weight over 100lbs heavier than me, off. I tried so hard. That's when he proceeded to violate me. My mind went blank and I just gave up, I physically couldn't fight back, I only stared at him the entire time. I know it was a short amount of time, but it felt like forever. It hurt me physically and emotionally. When he finished all he could tell me was "I'm sorry, I just love you so much I can't help myself". I've never felt betrayal that awful in my entire life. I had to rearrange my whole room to even feel remotely okay in there again. I still have trouble sleeping in my bed at night. It's embarrassing because I'm 19 and can't sleep in my bed without trouble because I'm scared he'll somehow be able to hurt me again. He broke it off shortly after this for unrelated reasons. I'm super happy my family, friends, and current boyfriend are supportive. This trauma will stick with me forever. I often wish I could have done something, my parents were in the other room when it happened. I hate that he's walking free.

I was a child. Even though fourteen sounds close to eighteen, it's really not. Especially when you were 40 something and my friends dad. Especially when you were so violent my teeth rattled. Especially when you broke my bones. Now that I realize what "grooming" means. I explain what it feels like by telling someone to imagine their house being destroyed. Like someone broke in and used the whole thing as a toilet. Like they shredded all your clothes and smashed all your pictures. Like they reached into the one place you feel safe and secure and they destroyed it. Even if you have the house cleaned and fixed from top to bottom, something lingers. Like a faint smell, like the memory of what happened there. How much more so your body. It's the vehicle for your soul, it houses who you are in this world. It takes something from you that can never be returned, does something that can never be scrubbed out. I hate what you did to me and how it allowed another man to abuse me. My husband. It hollowed me out and took away any shreds of self-esteem I had. But no more; I am back on my feet and someday soon I will be stronger than ever.